“I like to start with something funny”
Here are just a few of my favorite Joel Osteen jokes. He always begins his sermons with a joke, some of which are absolutely hilarious. You probably already know some of these if you follow him. I’ve always wondered where he gets them. It’s so sweet of him to genuinely enjoy making people laugh and to have made it his thing over the years. Here we go.
There was a man who was caught shoplifting in a store. He was at court, the judge said, “Sir I understand you stole a can of peaches, how many were they? He said, “ Five”. The judge said, “ Okay I’ll give you one week for each peach, so you have 5 weeks”. Just after that his wife stood up and said, “Your honor may I say something”. The judge said, “Yes what is it?” She said, “He stole a can of peas too😏”.
There were three sons who got together to talk about the gifts they bought their mother. The 1st son said, “I bought mom a big house”. The 2nd one said, “I bought her a fancy car”. The 3rd son said, “Since mom loves to read the bible but now she can’t see, I bought her a trained parrot that can quote the entire bible”. A few months after they received a letter from their mom saying, “ Milton the house you built me is too big, Gerald the car is way too small but my dearest Donald your simple gift was my favorite, the chicken was delicious”.
There was a pastor who bought a horse. He trained it to respond to praise the lord meaning giddy-up and hallelujah meaning whoa. Every time he said praise the lord the horse took off running and hallelujah it would stop. One day he was out with the horse when it went crazy running toward a cliff. In the midst of the panic, he couldn’t remember what he had taught it. He said everything there was to be said but the horse wouldn’t stop. Just at the last minute, he said hallelujah and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge of the cliff. He was so relieved and glad for his life, he said praise the Lord.
There was this man who said to his friend, “I’ve read so many bad things about eating sugar and junk food, so now I’ve made a new resolution,” His friend asked, “Oh what is it?” he said, “No more reading!”
Once, a televangelist, a Jewish rabbi, and a Hindu priest were traveling together. For lodging, they made a stop at a farmhouse. The farmer informed them that because he only had two rooms, one of them would have to spend the night outside in the barn. “I’ll do it,” the Hindu priest responded and went to sleep there. He returned a short while later and stated, “I can’t stay there, there is a cow and they are sacred in my religion. The Jewish rabbi then said he would do it. A short while later, he returned and said he couldn’t stay there because there was a pig. “Okay, I’ll just do it then,” the televangelist replied. A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door, and it was the cow and the pig.
There once was a church. Everything seemed to be going smoothly one Sunday morning during service until a lightning bolt struck the sanctuary. As soon as the smoke cleared, Satan was standing there. Everyone fled in terror, except for a woman sitting in the front row. Shocked, Satan asked the woman, “Lady, aren’t you afraid of me? Do you know who I am?” “Why should I, I’ve been married to your brother for 30 years,” she replied.
One day, a kindergarten teacher was discussing self-esteem with her class. She wished to emphasize that nobody is dumb. She told her class, “If you feel dumb, stand up.” She didn’t think anyone would respond, but to her own surprise, a young boy named Johnny did. “Johnny, do you really feel like you’re dumb?” she asked. “No, I just hate to see you standing there by yourself,” he replied.
